With every adoption update I excitedly share, my heart is also aching over the fact that with each step we take in the process, there’s a mama out there who is taking steps toward an incredibly difficult decision. I am constantly torn between joy and sorrow, excitement and anxiety. It’s a struggle of mine not to feel guilty at times for being happy on this journey towards Baby M because my happiness equals someone else’s loss. Don’t get me wrong, there should be joy and anticipation in bringing a baby home. I am just learning how to properly honor the incredible loss that occurs as we grow our family. I am coming to the realization that there will always be both beauty and brokenness in adoption. I’m sure I will be learning the rest of my life how to dance between the two and pray that God fills the gaps in between.
Since we made the decision to adopt I have sat down countless times to try and piece together a letter to our future birth mom. Here is an imperfect letter attempting to express the awe, love, and admiration I feel towards her.
To my future child’s first mother,
Where do I even begin? How do I tell the woman who will make me a mom thank you? A simple thank you doesn’t even scratch the surface of how I feel. No, it’s more of a gut wrenching gratitude that almost takes all the breath from my lungs when I think of the magnitude of the decision you will be making that will change my whole life forever. You are a hero.
Since the moment we decided to adopt we have been praying specifically for you. The first mother of our future child. I can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings and emotions you are having as you find yourself pregnant. I will never pretend to understand. With how society is today I’m guessing there are many people around you saying that there is an easy way out. To just get rid of the “problem.” That you could move on with your life and not ever have to look back. As hard as this season of your life may be, I am begging Jesus to protect your heart from the comments of these people. I pray for the right people to walk into your life to gather around you as you make your decision to keep the beautiful gift of LIFE growing inside of you. You are smart, you are brave, and you are capable of making this decision. My respect for you is immeasurable.
As I continue to educate myself on adoption, I am told that you will hold the title “birth mom” and I will hold the title “adoptive mom” or just…mom. Whatever titles we hold, I am so grateful that our lives will forever be intertwined. Eventually you will make the selfless decision to give my husband and I the gift of life to call our own. You will make us parents. You will make me a mom. I promise to respect you and your decision of the relationship you want to have with our child. I promise to give my all to our child and to provide a safe and joyful environment to grow up in. I promise to always make you a highlight and an important part of our child’s story. Without a doubt, they will know how deeply you love them and that you are one of the strongest women I know.
I know adoption will look different on your end. I know it is not all vibrant, full of delight and hope. I know there is anger. I know there is grief. And I know there is pain. I know you will be placing your child into our arms because of how much you love them. From the very core of my being I am sorry that I am profiting from your loss. I hope if/when we meet that you will be able to see the gratitude I feel for you, our child’s first mother.
Years of expectant waiting have built up so much love in my heart for this miracle child and unbeknownst to me at the time, you. Even though I do not know your name yet and I may not know your situation, I am praying for you to a God who knows every single detail of your life and has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. You are KNOWN and LOVED by the God who created the universe. May He give you wisdom, clarity, courage, and peace during this time.
With immense love and admiration,
Katie
Whoever may be reading this, please take a moment right now to pray for this brave woman that she may choose life even against all odds. That she may feel more than ever how loved and cherished she is by Jesus. That she may come to know her identity as a daughter of God. Thank you.