I’m a planner. When it comes to my job or juggling different tasks, the fact that I can plan well is one of my greatest strengths. When it comes to planning my life, not so much. Deep down, we all know we aren't in control of too much in our lives, but a lot of the time we pretend like we are. I think this helps us feel like life is a little less scary and unpredictable that way. We plan, scheme, control, grasp. It may work for a little but eventually it all catches up to us.
Infertility and the process of adoption has made me continuously aware that I am truly not in control of our fertility, our family, or our life. I’m unable to control even the most basic thing that many couples take completely for granted, growing our family. I don’t have control over which birth mother will choose us to parent her baby or what my unborn child is being exposed to in the womb. This journey to parenthood has exposed all of my doubts and weaknesses. I’ve been confused, disappointed, angry, jealous and bitter. Thank the Lord for grace, forgiveness, and that He doesn’t leave me alone in this mess of pain.
Satan tries to stir up feelings of anxiety and fear when my life doesn’t come together as I envision. Fear is one of Satan’s oldest tricks in the book. Fear acts as puppet strings that make me reach for control again and again. A priest once taught me how to help silence the enemy and put fear to death. Daily, I have to invite Jesus to dwell in my heart and pray through my emotions:
1. Acknowledge what I am feeling.
2. Relate what I am feeling to God.
3. Receive whatever God wants to give me.
4. Respond to God accordingly to the word He spoke to me.
5. Repeat until I get to a place of peace.
I still have days where I’m tempted to feel abandoned by God but He tells me it’s ok to be honest with Him when I feel this way. Acknowledging what I'm feeling helps me separate my messy emotions from His truth…His plans are better than my plans. Yes, it sounds cliché but it’s true. I frequently reflect on what my life would look like if God had always answered my prayers the way I wanted Him to. I definitely wouldn’t be married to Joe. I wouldn’t be working as a college missionary and so many people I love would be strangers to me.
It’s been a long process but I’m at a point where I can say I’m grateful for this current cross of infertility. For quite a bit I refused to receive it and begged (at times demanded) Jesus to exchange it with a different one. I know that all suffering has meaning, and I know that all suffering can be transformative when truly embraced. But to really and truly get to the point of thanking God for my suffering? Now that took a hot minute (or a million). He continues to show me so much about who He is and has used this process to strengthen my faith. Through this little bit of suffering I've gone through, I've found there are valuable lessons to be learned, compassion to be found for others, and still joy to be experienced. He is worthy of praise through pain. I've heard these truths all my life, but they have taken root in a deeper way in my heart.
Christ could not avoid the cross and neither can we. Whether you’re hoping for the right man to come along, praying for physical/mental healing, waiting on a baby, grieving a loved one, etc. I want you to know that God really is good through every circumstance. As we continue to share updates on our adoption process, I hope all that you read here encourages you and points you back to Jesus.
-Katie
P.S. There are hard days where I have to rely on Joe and those close to me to remind me of these truths! I encourage you to find those people in your life that can do the same for you.
“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped for. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life you have.” -John Piper
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